Jokes of the month



       Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

     Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

     Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark.  All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.  Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.  While out swimming alone one day he
sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

     With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

     Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.  He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.
"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked.

"Justin cried back "No, I'm not.  That was the old me.  I've changed.".....................


"I've found Cod.  I'm a prawn again Christian"
thanks to Chris Barrett



Daily Mail, Thursday, March 4,2004

LAST year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 disables other valuable programs such as Dinnerdancing 7.5, Cruiseship 2.3 and Operanight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Pokernight 1.3, Saturdayfootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Cluttereverywhere 4.5.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will Nappychanging 14.1 or House- cleaning 2.6 run. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help?


Dear Jane,

THIS is a common problem women complain of, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an entertainment package. However, Husband 1.0 is an operating system and was designed to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0.

Any new program files can be installed only once per year, as Husband 1.0 has limited memory.

In desperation to play some of their 'old time' favourite applications some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under 'Warnings: Divorce/Child Support'. You will notice this program runs poorly, and comes bundled with Heartbreak 1.3.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company. Husband 1.0 must assume all responsibility for all faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command 'C:\I thought you loved me' sometimes. Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.


AVOID excess use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately you may have to give a C:\Apologise command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpysilence 2.5, or worse, Beer 6.0, a bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create Fatbelly files.

Consider buying extra software to improve Husband 1.0 performance. I recommend Hotfood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years, you will find valuable embedded features in Husband 1.0 such as Fixesbrokenthings 2.1 and Bestfriend 7.6. A word of caution: do not install Motherinlaw 3.


Sandie Barrett, Malpas, Cheshire.



This page was last updated Sunday, 19 March 2006