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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The
prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said
to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a
shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had
his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says,
"Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old
mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does...) and
Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old
mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't
realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he
sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured
that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change
him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam
back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not
involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at
the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's
at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and
became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain
and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate
the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,
"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.
"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and
I'll not be tricked.
"Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.".....................
"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"
thanks to
Chris Barrett |
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Daily Mail, Thursday, March 4,2004
LAST year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed the new program began making unexpected changes to the
accounting software, limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewellery
applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product
brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 disables other valuable programs such as
Dinnerdancing
7.5, Cruiseship 2.3 and
Operanight
6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as
Pokernight
1.3,
Saturdayfootball
5.0, Golf 2.4 and
Cluttereverywhere 4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes
the system. Under no circumstances will
Nappychanging
14.1 or House- cleaning 2.6 run. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix
Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can
you help?
Jane.
Dear Jane,
THIS is a common problem women complain of, but it
is
mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend
5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an
entertainment package. However, Husband 1.0 is an operating system and was
designed to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge
Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 because Husband 1.0 is not designed
to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend
5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0.
Any new program files can be installed only once per
year, as Husband 1.0 has limited memory.
In desperation to play some of their
'old
time'
favourite applications some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or
Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered
with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under
'Warnings:
Divorce/Child Support'.
You will notice this program runs
poorly, and comes bundled with Heartbreak 1.3.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest
you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults
(GPFs).
This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent
company. Husband 1.0 must assume all responsibility for all faults and
problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the
command 'C:\I
thought you loved me'
sometimes. Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command.
Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and
Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP
AVOID excess use of this feature. Overuse can create
additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately you may have to give a C: \Apologise
command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can
cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpysilence
2.5, or worse, Beer 6.0, a bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create
Fatbelly
files.
Consider buying extra software to improve Husband 1.0
performance. I recommend
Hotfood
3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities
can help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years, you will
find valuable embedded features in Husband 1.0 such as Fixesbrokenthings 2.1
and Bestfriend
7.6. A word of
caution: do not install
Motherinlaw
3.
Sandie
Barrett, Malpas,
Cheshire.
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